*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
tourist season
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
This will teach them to underestimate me
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”