Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
This came to me in a dream.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues