*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
translated into Canadian
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”