You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,