Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.