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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Pickled cat.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.