Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.