Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
You Might Also Like
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both