People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}