Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.