I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
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Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
😂🤣😂🤣
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”