Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
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My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally