Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.