“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Unexpected Judgment
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.