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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
shit just got real
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.