I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.