I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
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Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.