I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
You Might Also Like
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.