“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.