Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
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