*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
You Might Also Like
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
when there are deer in the woods
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.