“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My brain is a bad influence on me
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-