I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Teach your children to beatbox
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.