You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
the world’s most popular steaming services
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.