[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone