If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
thanksgiving should be called feaster
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.