If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I have never related to a cat more
Happy weekend !
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths