“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.