Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger