Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*