Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
💁🏻♂️
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I support this random dude and all his protests
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again