I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
A Short Story.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture