I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
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Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
💯😂
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.