Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I have a type: disappointing
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
*Inspirational Tweets*
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.