Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Woke up against my better judgement again
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good