My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 馃檨
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I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I鈥檓 thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I鈥檓 done thinking about it.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I don鈥檛 get vegetables on my pizza because I don鈥檛 like mixing business with pleasure
Her: My dad鈥檚 sister does my taxes
Me: So she鈥檚 your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you鈥檙e just some guy
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes