my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Succinctly put.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low