OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Plant care tips
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER