Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist