I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
prepare for carbonated trouble
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.