Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on