Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Fidel Castro was alive?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Best table by far
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Great acting.. 😂
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
bought wrong eggs
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.