Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
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watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
when mom throws a party…
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching