Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.