Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Who’s your best friend?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The two types of wives
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
This is my favorite one of these!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand