Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Very good! 👍😂
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.