Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
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Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
He took my last fry, your honor