My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
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Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
relationship goals
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.