Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything