Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
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50 shades of grey = my Liver
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Happy birthday to all the women
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Coffee is ready.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.